The First Day of Winter

This year I called the gas company to order gas for someone who couldn't afford it for their fireplace gas logs. Now if the electricity goes off they will still be warm.

---Dyanne Helbert, Theo's Granna

Today, my friends and I used our left over swipes to buy food for the homeless! It was a great feeling. Happy holidays!

---Udari Liyanage

Last week I was meeting my parents for lunch, and noticed a man standing near his car. He told me his battery was dead, so I went and got some jumper cables, and gave his car a jump. Turns out he was driving his mother to the dentist, so it helped get both of them home.
Hope you had a good fall semester, and have a merry Christmas, and happy new year.
---Pete Hanley

Tonight, I baked mini bundt cakes for my neighbors. I thought of Theo and everyone who is missing their loved ones this holiday season. I am missing my Dad who passed 2 years ago. I will be assembling the cakes with love and delivering them to my neighbors in Theo's Memory. He was an Angel on Earth.

---Julie Aliff

I gave $100 to a lady who has four kids and very little income. Made me feel good to know that those babies would get something for Christmas.

---Angela Dawn Goforth

With my mom having cancer she and my family haven't paid much attention to the house. It's quite messy and I know my mom gets really stressed when things aren't done. I decided that I would clean some part of the house for her everyday I am home for winter break to keep her happy.
---Haley Welch

My family is honored to be a part of this. We paid a portion of someone's gas fill up, and the person behind us toll. 

---Cathy Davis

In memory of Theo, the Jones' have donated $35 to the adoption fund for Percy, a child with Down Syndrome in Taiwan. Our friend Jen K. is his Christmas Warrior, raising funds towards his adoption fund.

---Bobbi Roberts Jones

For my father and Theo, I fixed 40 lunches today for homeless people and tomorrow I am going to K-Mart to pay off as many layaways for kids' Christmases that I can

---Anonymous

I miss Theo. Even though I never technically met him, I miss him so. I hope in some way he and James have found each other and can play sometimes...
            This Friday, my husband Joe and I are bringing toys to Children's Hospital Los Angeles. For James, for Theo, for my Uncle Dieter who died when he was 4 1/2 months old, for so many others and because there are so many children there who I can't bear will be there for Xmas. I must do something because they need to know they are loved. That even though I don't know them, I love them and I care and I hope that helps them in some way.
            Sending love and hugs to your family, those who are walking and those who are soaring. MISSing them so.
            For our children. xox. Loving my Sweet Baby James forever.

---Gina Metcalfe

I helped buy groceries, Christmas dinner, for a young woman and her son.  She had a stroke and he is taking care of her. My friend Connie Wright, daughter Tina Mullins, with the help of others at church, furnished her trailer with furniture, kitchen needs and beds because she had nothing. Another one of the pay-it-forward things I love to do is when I go through a drive through to pick up a meal. I pay for the car behind me.  People come up to my car and thank me and I tell them "Jesus loves you"!!

---Regina Orr Yates

In the past my younger sister and I did not get along at all. Our relationship was very aggressive, evenly physically. It seemed as we grew older, we grew apart. In our primary school years, we showed minimal acts of kindness. They were very few, but they occurred. Then, all kindness disappeared. Until recently. When I went to college, my sister had a change of heart. In the first month of school she even sent me a text telling me goodnight and that she loves me.
            It wasn't supposed to be just the two of us. Six years ago, around this time, we should have received a little brother. He was to be named Jordan Jaivon Scoggins. However, he was was born four months early, and stood no chance. My sister and I were away to visit out grandfather for summer break when we got the call. For a while, I thought I would see Jordan. I thought I would hear him call my name. I am so positive that it was him. I know it, because I look to that little guy as my guardian angel.
            When my sister and I had no emotional connection, we wouldn't even say happy birthday to one another. Now, we are buying Christmas presents for each other. My heart is so filled with love now for my little sister, I smile when I think of how far we've come. So all of my kind acts this holiday season are dedicated to my younger siblings, both gone and here.
---DiaMonté Scoggins

One day in the middle of November, my boyfriend had decided to pick me up from my afternoon class. He was walking me home and he caught a glimpse of something somewhat hidden beneath leaves on the side of the road. It was the an iPhone that was perfectly good and had zero scratches. The protective cover was still on it as well. We stopped and turned it on, there was thankfully no password and the owner's e-mail was readily available. I e-mailed the owner and had her confirm that it was hers by describing the design on the cover. She was very grateful that we had returned it and didn't decide to sell or use it for ourselves!
            My boyfriend also found an i-pad at the airport earlier in June and turned it in. The other week, I was sitting in the VCU commons and found a lost wallet with money, credit cards, and all of what you'd expect in a typical wallet. I sat on guard for 40 minutes to make sure it wasn't someone that had taken a bathroom break or something like that. I turned it in before leaving with the hope that it would be returned.
---Renee & Greg

Hey Mr. F!
This is just a small thing, but for some reason was the first that came to mind when I saw your e-mail. The other night I was in Wal-Mart and of course the lines were out of control. There was an elderly woman in front of me in line and she was having a hard time paying with her debit card. The cashier was starting to get irritated with her slowness, so I asked her if she could read the screen okay. She had poor vision so I helped her push the right buttons on the card machine. I didn't think it was much but when she went to leave she turned, placed a hand on my arm and thanked me. Maybe it was her touch but it warmed my heart and I felt good leaving the store. I hope you have a happy holiday.
    With love,
---Maribeth

A Rainbow of Children

"Have a good Christmas," one of my students said to me.

            "I'll try my best to do just that," I said.

            Another student piped up: "You don’t sound like you mean it."

            "Well," I said, "I kind of hate Christmas."

            "Why in the world would anyone hate Christmas?" he asked.

            "I have a dead child," I said.

            "Oh, yeah." He bowed his head and felt a little bad, which wasn't my intent. I don’t expect everyone to go around remembering that my son is dead, and I'm glad it's not the only thing that defines me. But still---I did answer his question. And there are a lot of people who kind of hate Christmas, and generally for good reasons. But they keep their mouths shut about it, and duck the whole Jesus-Is-Lord and Shop-Till-You-Drop thing so everyone else can have a good time.

            I decided to write the intro for Thelonius' Stocking Blog this year as a gift to my family. Some people might interpret that I made this a gift because it would be a cheap---even free---gift. But it is hardly that. It has been the most difficult thing I have written in years, easily. I wanted to make this a gift because it gets overwhelming. By "it" I mean the grief. I mean the thinking about a child you'll never get to hang with or watch play a game or do anything with or see ever again. By "it" I mean the sadness, the longing. I mean the sightings of six year old boys who fit the general description of Theo were he a living, breathing six year old today. I mean the crushing blues that accompany the knowledge that Theo will never enjoy Christmas like everyone else gets to. I mean the feeling that if we don't keep a blog, it'll be disrespectful to our brave little boy. It's difficult to be cheerful and write about the season of light and joy and happiness and crap like that when my child is dead. And so I thought I'd take the burden off Karla this year.

            "But your daughter is healthy," another student said.

            "Yes," I said. "And I'll make sure her Christmas is great. That doesn’t mean my son isn’t dead."

            She bowed her head and felt a little bad. I think it's okay that she felt a little bad. Lula isn't a stand in, she is not a substitute, and it is not her job to take my mind away from my dead Theo. I realize that some folks likely never will understand this. But so what if they don't? Perhaps they shouldn't. Perhaps you can only really understand what it feels like to have your child die if your child dies. To have your baby die in your arms is an experience I'd wish on no one. There's only so much I could say to my student, terrified that a conversation concerning a dead baby was actually occurring; all she had wanted was a good Christmas. I had the feeling she was now thinking about something she'd never considered before. So I left it at that. I also had the feeling that she will have a good Christmas. And if she won’t have a good Christmas, I hope I opened the door for her to come talk about it, which is what people who kind of hate Christmas need to do---they need to talk about it.

            Nah, I think. None of this can go on Theo's Stocking blog. This is the season of light and joy…who'd wanna read this dreck?

            For me, though, this blog has become a sort of antidote to the rest of the year. For me, it's not really about Christmas at all. It's about expressions of good. Christmas is the excuse for people to do good things and send them to us. When I get blue thinking about my dead son and the subjects I research and teach---genocides, wars, rape, racism, prison, waste, fraud---I need a reminder of the good. And I know there is good, massive amounts of it, and that all the good outweighs all the evil we constantly see and hear about all the time; it’s just that goodness is quieter than evil, and evil makes press. If it weren't the case that there is more good than evil in the world, this blog and this writing and you and I might possibly not be here.  

            But still a wall remained: what could I write as an intro to  this blog? I've spent a week thinking about what to write. I sat and thought and I stood up and thought and I sat back down and thought. I came to nothing. So instead of staring out my own window into my own muddy backyard with my crabby old eyes, I decided to go shopping!

            Some choice I made.

            I went to a store, a big store crammed with consumers. Lots of people hustling around, buying more than they can afford, checking off lists, haggling, arguing, texting while carting, making messes of the clothes and toys and expensive coffee makers. Sensory overload. So as I watched, I inwardly focused more, again, still on what I'd post as the intro to this blog. I could write what I saw: In this season of shoving and plastic objects…

            Who'd want to read that?

            I wandered to toddlers' apparel. There were less people there; it’s difficult to maneuver a cart through the close-packed racks. I compared the scant variety of shirts available for girls: in one hand I held up a yellow shirt with princesses on it, and in the other a pink shirt with princesses on it. I shook my head, replaced the clothes on their racks, and wandered closer to the boys clothes: better colors, less pink, more patterns, greater variety, less Disney. I remained hyperaware not to look at anything I would clothe Theo in---and then, just then, a woman stopped me to ask how old my son was.

            I can only imagine the expression I made. I remember stammering something in way of a response, but I don’t know what the hell it was. I felt like she'd punched me in the gut.

            "You do have a son?" she said.

            "Well," I said, hot-faced, trying to breathe, "that's a tricky question. I don't. Not now. I did. But he died. He died of a tumor, a brain tumor, a big brain tumor in his head." I felt like an idiot: of course a brain tumor is in a head, dolt!

            "Oh," the woman said. "I'm sorry."

            "Yeah, well, me too," I said, but I'd said it all wrong. I didn’t mean it the way it came out, gnarled and loathing. The woman meant no harm. It was the cancer that had killed him. "I'm sorry, " I said. "I mean 'thank you.' But why?"

            "What?" she said. "Why what?"

            Why did he have to die? I didn't say.  Instead: "Why are you asking me about my son?"

            "I just thought… I'm buying this shirt…" Red with navy trim, the shirt depicted a little bright train about to enter a little dark tunnel.

            "Oh," I said.

            "I'm sorry," she said.

            "Oh," I said. "No, don’t be sorry." But do be sorry, I didn’t say. "Buy it bigger than it needs to be. He'll grow into it," I said, and didn’t add if he's lucky. If you're lucky. If everyone is lucky. 

            "Thank you," she said.

            "No, thank you," I said. "I mean, you're welcome." I didn’t know what I meant or what had just happened. Why had I set myself up for this certain doom? Damn toddlers' apparel!

            I felt like I couldn’t breathe at all. I thought I was going to fall over. I had to get away. I weaved to the exit through a maze of kids: blond boys, black boys, Asian girls, brothers and sisters, Indian boys, white girls, Asian boys, Mexican boys and brown and yellow and red and green and purple children, children, children everywhere, a rainbow of children.

            And then, all at once, I could breathe again. A rainbow of children.

            A rainbow of children is the antidote to the shoving frustration, the breathlessness, the anger of adults destroying each other: they start wars and take each others' homes and money and jobs; they slaughter wholesale and claim it in the name of god and heaven; they rape and murder for pleasure and they hate each other to death. So if there's anything I want this blog to do, and it can do this simple thing, I want it to serve as a reminder of good. It really is simple after all. A rainbow of children has to give up a lot of energy, creativity and brilliant, clever engagement to end up like us tired old saggy big people. So, while they are still young, I'd like to dedicate this blog this year to a rainbow of children, and also to Thelonius who didn’t get to be part of the rainbow very long, and to Lula, who stands big and loud smack-dab in the middle of the rainbow, and to Karla, for whom I hope the good of the blog serves as antidote to those crushing Christmas blues.

Make me an instrument of peace...

I am posting this anonymously for a very special person:

She wrote to me:

"I didn't want to publicly post something it feels like praying in public to me. But for Theo......

I visited a disabled person and bought groceries to take to the home.  I cleared the snow from the sidewalk and front porch and while I was there.

I changed the sheets and made the bed, fixed a small meal and walked the dog.

I also called my sister and forgave her for telling a lie about me after she had apologized to me and said, 'I don't know why I said that about you.'

My prayer is to be more forgiving than forgiven and more tolerant of others who are emotionally challenged by life."

I love these kindnesses and knowing who did them and why, makes them even more special to me.  I sent her a message telling her that her kindnesses and her comments about them reminded me of St. Francis of Assisi's famous prayer, that, no matter what a person's religion is, can certainly be applicable in any time and place. If we all prayed this prayer earnestly every day--even if we are praying it to ourselves--the world would be a better place.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.


Amen

Being Present...thank you Meg.

I don't want you to think I forgot, because I never forget Theo. He is a part of my daily meditations and prayers: on my way to work or in the few moments when the house is quiet.

This year I was able to help do something special in his and my mom's memory. Our friend Anne Carpenter is dying of lung cancer. She is a special person in the life of our family.  She facilitated the adoption of our oldest boys. She was part teacher, supporter, helper, and a lifeline in a very stressful time in our lives. As an adoptive parent herself, she put her life into her work for over 30 years. We have kept in touch with her throughout her retirement and she has been able to watch all the boys grow.

This past Thursday evening, we went to her house to sing Christmas carols (off-key, of course). The whole family went and she was able to see us all. We only stayed for 10 minutes, but she was laughing at the boys' silly lyrics and singing along with us. What a wonderful memory for our family and hers in what is an otherwise sad situation and having to say goodbye to each other. It was such a small thing but I think it made a lasting example for my boys.  It is so important to seek out opportunities to show how much someone means to you and to be present, especially during difficult times.

much love this christmas season,

meg

More Kindnesses this Christmas Eve....

After my last day of classes walking to my car I found an IPod touch laying on the ground, and picked it up and turned it into VCU.


Also, my grandma asked me to put her Santa on top of her Christmas tree, so I went over after work to put it up and realized she hadn't put up any lights or ornaments yet. I decorated her whole tree for her while she was out playing bridge.

Merry Christmas,

--- Pete





One hot September afternoon I was walking to Rite Aid with my roommate. As we walked down Broad Street, we passed a homeless man who was holding a sign that said it was his birthday. We went into Rite Aid and I felt sad that he was all alone on his birthday, so I bought him a hostess cupcake and a candle. I asked the man behind the counter for some matches and after we checked out, we found the man again, lit up the candle, and we sung him "Happy Birthday". We asked him to make a wish and he said, "I wish that I live to see my 41st birthday." That broke my heart and I wished him well and we headed off.

Every chance that I get, I make sure to bring extra food to the people who are homeless or don't have a meal to eat. I make sure to talk to them as opposed to just ignoring them. Most of them have interesting stories that can change your point of view on a lot of things. They are really wonderful, friendly people and I am blessed to be able to meet them and listen to them.

--- Tori

Giving to her community...

I always think of Theo at Christmas. We donate to a nearby park that is being developed...an old family farm that they are protecting from development to use as a recreational park. The next donation that we will make will be in Theo's name. What a great way to celebrate Theo down in here Georgia.

~Michelle Beaubien Witte

Friends of Mabry Park is a community non-profit, volunteer organization in Georgia where the community is working to promote the development of their beautiful park.

Added by Michelle:

"I got this response today from the guy who is coordinating donations for the park. I wrote him asking about making donations towards specific things in the park in people's names. I would love to do something like this with Theo's name and maybe a dragonfly image. I will let you know sweet love. It will be a place that my children and many others will find a lot of joy...and it backs up to our neighborhood in East Cobb.

He said, 'The Master Plan process will start in January. This will last 3-4 months and when completed, we will have all the elements of the park laid out. At that point, we can start laying out the elements such as benches, trees, playgrounds, etc. and the ability to donate and name an item. We really like this idea and look forward to presenting it everyone in the coming months.' "

How beautiful Michelle~! Thank you so much, what a beautiful gift. So much love to you and your family this Christmas Eve morning.

Love you,
Karla

...to stop and listen

One of the friends I've made since I've started school was having a really rough time with his family during the last two weeks of the semester. Everyone around him was so stressed out and busy with school and finals with no time to stop and listen, and he just
felt really alone at college and like he had no one to talk to. I just sat down with him for a long time and listened to what he had to say. It felt good to be there for someone when they thought they had no one to talk to because that's what I'd want someone to do for me. Happy Holidays!
---Christina Diep

In honor of Theo and Julie's Dad~

Karla -
I wasn't sure what I was going to do this year, but I kept waiting for something to present itself. I went to a yoga class that I teach on Tuesday and one of my students had a card for me. It had kind words and a $10 bill in it. I told the student I couldn't accept that money, but she insisted. On the drive home, it hit me, I will take the $10 and put some money with it, and send it to the Central Va Foodbank. While writing the check, I thought of Theo and my Dad; two of the most extraordinary people that I have ever met. I put a return address label with a dragonfly on it.
Happy Holidays to you, Jamie and Lula. I love keeping up with you on Facebook.

Love to you and a Blessed New Year!

Julie

The Newest Kindness--From my beautiful friends Pam and JB

Jamie, Karla, Lula-
JB & I live in a somewhat transitional neighborhood- the typical scenario of urban revitalization. Most of our neighbors are wonderful, but there is the one house across the street.... rental, single mom, 5 kids (as far as we can tell). The kids are often a nightmare- throwing rocks, loud music, fighting, teasing their dog- and we have yelled at them so many times over the past couple of years. They are left unsupervised to play in basically the street, and their boredom leads to trouble.
The last time that I yelled at them (they were trying to throw batteries over our house), I had a guilty feeling. I started thinking about how we have witnessed their mother scream and curse at them, and imagining what a lonely, empty life they likely lead. JB commented that the anger and frustration is visible in the eyes of the oldest boy.

We have decided to fill a box with books, toys, journals, etc. and leave it on their front porch on Christmas day. We will probably tag it "From Santa" and definitely give it a dragonfly stamp. Maybe it will be a little beacon of light in what looks to be a miserable home situation.
WE LOVE YOU and will be thinking of you through the holidays.

Hug you shouldahs,

Pam n JB

New posts from my girls~

From Jen D'Surney--aka Jen Emory:

"Cece actually did the good deed - I was just the chauffer. She came to me the other day and out of the blue said that she wanted to make cards for the sick kids in hospitals. Just when I think she is an absolute terror she goes and pulls something like this. So we all sat at the kitchen table and made cards for kids in Children's and delivered them. In honor of Theo.

Hugs and kisses and a very Merry Christmas to your family!"
And from Angela Noel Brittingham:
"Merry Christmas! I am so excited that I actually got to see your family in person the other day!! You all look great, and it warmed my heart! 

For Theo this year, I have decided to sign on as a reader with my church and their Spanish community help program. We have a program that helps a mostly Spanish speaking community by providing them with church services, clothes, food, and ESL support. They started a project called Booknet where people volunteer to read to the kids. It had been on my heart to help out with this, but I kept wondering about the time, and how I would be able to do it. When I got your email, I decided to move forward and do it!! 

I will be making calls and setting things up soon. I will be thinking of Theo every time I visit and do my best to help the kids read!

I am always amazed how opportunities to give present themselves around the time of your email. What a wonderful way to represent Theo and share some love. I truly look forward to this every year."

I cannot say how much I love you both Angela and D'Surney. And the best part is that I know that I don't have to say how much I love you for you both to know. 3 snaps and big 'ol Pi Delt triangle.

XOXOX to you and yours.